This weekend was most likely one the best weekends ever! I was able to volunteer at Acquire the Fire, which has a huge meaning in my life. It was through ATF a few years ago that I truly saw that God was right there, with this incredible love.
This weekend, I was able to meet some great, Jesus loving people, I was able to rock out to Lecrae up close and even meet and work with one of the best worship bands ever, Unhindered. Through this entire weekend I was reminded how good my God is, and how He used this very event to draw me to Himself. So now I sit here, and I feel compelled to put out my testimony, complete with no editing. So here goes! (it may take a while)
From the very beginning i've been around church, i've been taught about God and all the other Bible stories. Both my parents are in missions, so I heard the same things over and over about a million times (probably not too much of an exaggeration actually). I remember praying with my mom when I was 3. I remember we went through why I needed to be saved and why this was possible, but yet after I prayed, my mom asked me what Jesus had done for me I said "I don't know". I don't know if that was because that was just 3-year old Joanna being retarded or if I truly didn't get it. I knew salvation was something I needed, and I knew mommy and daddy wanted it for me, but did I really get it?
This is exactly what I started to question when I was about 7 or 8. I figured that I better just pray the prayer again, just to be saved, so thats what I did. Then for a while I just continued on going to church, going to the Bible clubs that my parents taught, memorizing verses and pretty much just being a good little missionaries kid. My family had moved once before, but when I was 8 (2000) we moved from Detroit up to Tustin to take care of my Dads parents. That move was sort of hard but yet I was eventually able to make friends and fit in. Then in 2003 both my grandparents passed away, my grandma in august and grandpa in November. Even though I knew both of them were in Heaven now, no longer suffering, it was really hard. I felt guilty for not telling them that I loved them more and just like there were so much more I needed or wanted to tell them. I think it was early 2004 when the office that my dad worked out of, and commuted to Lansing for, asked if we would be willing to move to Lansing so he could be at the office on a regular basis. So the house went up for sale and we waited, for what seemed like a really long time. A few days before Christmas in 2004 a couple came to see the house, and then made an offer. All of a sudden we had like 20 days to get out and we had no house in Lansing yet. Soon we found one and made the move. This move was the hardest for me then any other move.
I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt. It in a way felt like "well grandma and grandpa are gone now, so lets sell their house and move out and forget all about them" And all of a sudden I missed them more then ever before. I felt so alone, I had no friends here, at all! My parents were busy getting everything ready for my brother to go to college and for my sister to do a duel enrollment at the same college that I felt left behind in the dust. It took us a few months to find a church and to get to know people. This was the darkest time in my life. I had never felt more alone, I had never felt farther away from God, my family or anyone else, all around I was miserable. This depression I guess you could call it led me to feel worthless and contemplated suicide. I thought about all the ways I could do it, and thought of how I could carry it out, and even attempted. But there was always something holding me back. Then I didn't understand. I was angry, tired of putting on the "i'm happy and ok" show. I was so mad at God for letting this all happen. In 2007 I went to Battle Cry with my friends church. Through this it was like I woke up! I finally saw God! Not a distant, big and uncaring God but a intimate, loving, caring and an ever present God! I found that God wanted me, that I wasn't worthless. I remember the worship band was playing How Great Is Our God and tears were pouring out of my eyes and it was like the other 34,000 people had left and it was just me and God. Like God was saying "Joanna, I love you more than anything, nothing can keep me from you! I want you, and I want to be in your life!" So that night I truly surrendered my life over to God and realized that this was my own relationship with God, not my parents religion.
A bit later, even though I was still close to God, I let myself slip. It all started by watching 1 slightly inappropriate video on youtube. This one video led to an addiction to pornography that would haunt me for a while. I know the word is a word that we shy away from, and that as a christian I'm not supposed to have let this into my life. But it crept in and slowly took over. I knew it was wrong, and I felt guilt but it was like I truly didn't care what I was doing. So on sundays I would go to church, act like I was totally in love with God, most days spend time in Gods word, I would worship him and praise Him, but yet I would give in to this temptation. In 2008 I went to ATF and the speaker was talking about how God doesn't want us to be lukewarm, He wants us on fire. I realized that yes a lot of what I was doing honored God, but yet giving in to that temptation was holding me back. I turned it over to Him, and he took over my life.
Since then the temptation has come and unfortunately, I have given in at times, But I truly believe that God is restoring! I feel like God had a purpose for me to go through that, I can see now that He was there, the entire time with a love that was unconditional. Today, I feel like God might be truly calling me to go into full time missions! He has called me to South Africa this summer and I am so excited to see what He is gonna do!
Now when I look back , I can see Gods hand in every detail of my life. Im so thankful for the friends He's given me here, for the family He's given me and for parents that love Him. He has blessed so much, and im totally pumped to see whats next!
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