Here it is...

So this is what’s been on my heart lately. It’s not upbeat, and it probably won't encourage anyone. So, as you read, remember a few things. I am not doubting God’s love, goodness or His faithfulness. I am not doubting His plans for anyones lives. I know that He has a purpose for everyone - no matter what kind of life they have. I know - and so strongly believe - that He has HUGE plans for these women. I know He loves them beyond human understanding. I know He has a heart for them to be healed. And that His heart is breaking with theirs. God is still good, He is still unchanging and His ways and plans are still perfect. 

In Aprecom, we have around 350 women that we work with. They are all either HIV+ or widows (many are both). All were greatly affected by the genocide and live with the scars today. Like anyone, they have good days and bad days, happy seasons and 

seasons of sadness. I get to talk to them, pray with them, cry with them and encourage them. 

Odetta was brutally beaten and raped by multiple men, multiple times during the genocide. Today, 20 years later, her uterus is destroyed, she is in intense pain, almost paralyzed. Her back is nearly broken. And, she is living with HIV. 

Valentine hid among dead bodies, barely escaping with her life. She was raped. Now, shes HIV+ and has no way of providing for her children or herself. She feels like a failure as a mother. 

Christine has lost all but two of her children to HIV/AIDS. Of the living two, both are HIV+, one is close to death and the other is a madman, wandering around, a constant threat to himself and others.  

There is a common theme to the women we work with. HIV+, widows, horrific stories of the genocide and poverty. These women can’t provide for themselves, or their families. Many have no way to provide, because they are sick. They are empty, alone and hopeless.

I love visiting women - but honestly, it’s probably the hardest thing I've done. I listen, cry, pray, try to encourage, but so often I feel empty. Why? Why do some people go through things like this while others can never even imagine it outside of nightmares or a movie? How can a woman be so brutally raped and beaten that 20 years later, she still has physical pain? How can a woman be surrounded by dead bodies and barely get out alive? How can people watch their family and friends be brutally murdered and beaten? Why does this happen to some people while others have such good lives? Some grow up in homes with enough food, they grow up safe. They are never beaten, they are never raped, they’ve never seen anyone murdered in front of them. The horrific reality of genocide never crosses their minds. Maybe this is a form of survivors guilt or something. But it breaks my heart that these women, my sisters, have gone through a living, breathing nightmare while so many others, while I was completely unaware. But now, I’m aware. So aware. And while I can never fully understand what these women, and so many others, went through - I am aware of their pain. It’s a pain that makes you so exhausted you can't remember which state you're from. It’s a pain thats so crippling, that you lay on your floor and cry. It’s a pain that completely wipes you out, exhausts you to the point of not being able to function.  And thats only tiny fraction of what these women are living with. 

So there it is. A lot of words that may not even make sense. Don't worry, I've not lost my faith. I’ve not turned my back on Jesus nor have I given up hope. This is just a glimpse of my week and what takes place. This is the ministry that I am. The ministry I love so much and the ministry I know God has called me to. As hard as this all is, I thank God for it. I am glad that I can feel a small fraction of what these women do. Because, while it's nowhere near what they have lived through, I can be by their side now. These women are my heros. To have gone through so much and still pushing through, living thier lives, trying to move on. They may not be completely healed, but they are working on it. They may loose sight of it, but they do have hope - all because of Jesus.