A little bit of my mind lately.

So, it’s been a bit of a while without a post. I have a few reasons for this. The first, and biggest is that our internet has been whack lately. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. And of course there is always the option of going to a cafe, but aint nobody got time for dat! And the second, I have had so many thoughts but they were all a mass of chaos. It would be impossible to put those thoughts into words, into sentences that made any sense. But let’s try it today, shall we? Lately, Jesus has been saying a lot. All on one topic - value. 

For most of my life, I have fought with insecurities and being self conscious. My head was filled with lies from the enemy and my heart believed them. And because I was so convinced that these lies were truth, everything people did (or didn’t do) just confirmed the lies. I am worthless. I have no value, no purpose, no use. I am a failure. No one wants, needs, likes or loves me. My life is a joke. - This was almost like my motto for most of my life. Walking around believing this was completely miserable. I was convinced I was all alone. I hated God - because, He was supposedly a God of love, but I felt nothing but rejection and misery. This declaration over me was so heavy that it led to suicide attempts and even more self hatred. I hated myself so much that I couldn’t accept love from anyone. If anyone said anything positive about me, I was convinced it was a joke. 

But...then I met Jesus! And He changed it all. I wish I could say it was an immediate change. That all of a sudden, I loved myself just the right amount, that I could appreciate my gifts, talents, faults, and quirks. That’s not how it happened. Slowly, Jesus showed me that all these things I had believed for so long, were just a ton of lies. And He showed me how He see’s me. And even now, years later, those lies come back. When I have too much alone time, those lies come back and say I’m alone and will be forever. When I make a mistake, those lies tell me that thats all I am, a mistake. Jesus combats the lies with truth. When I have alone time, it’s a chance to rest and meet with my Savior. When I make a mistake, it’s a chance to learn and remember to do it differently next time. And even now, when people share words of affirmation, I fight to see what they see. But let me tell you this - it’s a process! I know I am a hot mess, I fail, I’m scared of a lot things, I do stupid things, I make mistakes. But I also know that Jesus loves me. He see me as His daughter who He will use for amazing things. The mess that I am? Jesus is using that mess to help change a nation! 

So let me tell you this: you’re value is far beyond what you could ever imagine. Your value is not tied up in your earthly identity. Your job, your relationship status, the amount of money you make, the car you drive, your circle of friends, your family - none of that determines your value. Your Savior, the One who gave up His own life for you - that is what determines your value. If you don’t know how Jesus sees you, ask Him - He loves to sing His love over His children. Spend time in His presence. Rest in Him!