The late night blogger is back...anyone out there?

I'm back! Back to my blogging and writing out my thoughts late (or early in the morning) at night. Tonight, I have so many emotions rushing through me! I guess blogging helps me get them sorted out and it shows me why I feel the way I do. I guess this is therapeutic, so here we go.

Today was my Grandma Jayne's funeral. Man,that feels so odd to say! The beginning of this month she had an intense heart surgery and it seemed like she would make it. Then one emergency surgery led to another. By earlier this week she was on her third surgery this month, and I think we all knew she probably wouldn't come back. My family crowded into a hospital room that was cleared out for us and waited. When the nurse came in to say that there was very little brain activity and it didn't look good, my grandpa was broken! It broke my heart to see him in that much pain! His wife of 58 years was pretty much gone! A bit later, we all went into her room beside her bed. We stood there crying and just waiting. Only a few minutes after all the machines were unhooked, she was gone. The room was filled with tears! She didn't look like Grandma, and it was so odd that she was gone! As the few days have gone by, I'm comforted by the fact that shes with Jesus now. I had a picture in my head a few nights ago that just made me laugh. It was of my grandma Hammar and my Grandma Jayne fighting over who got to hold Anna (my older sister who died at five days old). Grandma is with Jesus, no more pain, tears, or suffering! Today at the funeral it was a celebration of who she was, and the legacy that she left behind. I miss her so much already and it's going to be so weird without her, but I know shes no longer hurting! I love you Grandma!

Emotion #2 is this: South Africa! I've been home for over a month and it's not any easier! I miss it so much and every time I get into a routine here I feel like I'm fighting it. I don't want to go back to the American life of routine! South Africa has my heart! Those kids, yeah they stole it! The woman I talked to with blue eyes as vibrant as the ocean, she has a piece. The four or five women I talked to while doing laundry, yeah they have a piece to. Assah, Precious, Joseph and his wife, Mimi, Precious, Olga, the woman with blue eyes, the four women with laundry, all those kids! The list can just go on and on and then on even more! Jesus, these people have my heart!

Coming home has been hard. At times I feel like I no longer fit in or belong her. At times I feel unaccepted by the people I used to be close with. At times I feel guilt for the things I have. At times, my heart is breaking and aching so much the only thing to fix it is to look at pictures and listen to Waka Waka, Waving Flags, Big God Oh, Wicked Wicked Skill Skill, or Woopah Woohay.

Then I feel so called to go back and live, PERMANENTLY, in Africa. People think I'm crazy when I tell them I'm doing a semester abroad in Uganda when I could go to England or Ireland. Sometimes, I just feel plain out crazy for following the calling God has given me.

Then finally, (I think) the last emotion of the evening is this. Can I get a drumroll? Next year at this time, I will be getting ready (if I haven't already) to move out and go to SAU. This is insane! Things worked out so I will be going sooner than I thought, and now it feels freakishly close! So I'm filled with excitement, nervousness, and worry of how in the world I'm going to pay for it all!

Oh Jesus, I'm so glad you get me, because times like tonight I feel like no one else would! You've given me each of these passions and you've called me to this! I will follow you!


1 Thessalonians 2:8